11:21 p.m.
188th Request
Dear Barack Obama,
“I don’t know if I approve, but as long as they’re happy…”
This, according to my mother-in-law, is what one of Christina’s aunts said after being informed of our marriage. Let’s call her, “Aunt Cindy.”
This phrase has stuck with me for the past few days, like a splinter in my heart. It’s a small offense; I should be able to pluck it out, or at least ignore it–but it hurts.
Why did Aunt Cindy feel like the first clause was necessary? Why couldn’t she have just altered the second part of the statement to make it “I’m glad they’re happy”? Why shouldn’t she approve? She isn’t negatively affected by the fact that her niece and I find joy in sharing our lives together. And why should she make her disapproval known? Isn’t this, on a very basic level, just plain rude? It doesn’t matter what you think of a person and his or her choice of spouse, the compatibility of the pair, or the age difference that might exist between the two. It doesn’t matter if you believe that the couple is “too young,” suspect that one of them is only after the other’s money, or know that the bride was pregnant at the wedding. You don’t suggest to a woman that you think her recently and happily married son or daughter shouldn’t have been allowed to get married. You say “Congratulations.” It’s like when someone gets a haircut. You might think it’s good, or you might think it’s bad. But you say, “Nice haircut.” What, in society, allows you to say, “I think your hair looks bad, but only because you’re gay”? At the heart of the issue, it’s because our society allows you to say, “I don’t like you, because you’re gay.”
Aunt Cindy said something else that perplexes me. “I don’t know.” What does that mean? “I don’t know if I approve.” Does that mean, “I don’t approve of the match”? “I don’t approve of gay marriage”? “I don’t approve of homosexuality”? What about that part where she says, “I don’t know”? What does that mean? “I hate to hurt your feelings, but I don’t approve”? Or, “I’m really trying to figure out how I feel about gay marriage”?
Why should it matter if Aunt Cindy approves of our union, anyway? The decision to be married was Christina’s and mine, alone. Hundreds of family members and friends were thrilled to see us take this leap of love and faith together. The State of Iowa recognizes us as a married couple, and there are several other states that will honor our marriage license, too, should we travel to them. Why should Aunt Cindy’s disapproval matter to me, or matter to society?
Her disapproval matters to me, of course, because socially conservative folks will use sentiments like hers to keep me from obtaining the rights and protections surrounding love which they themselves enjoy. Her disapproval matters, in societal terms, because it points to a major problem in society: the oppression of a minority.
Let’s hope people stop worrying about whether or not they approve, and go with “as long as they’re happy…” You can help ease them on their way. Include us in your addresses. Acknowledge our human dignity. Please.
Happily married, but hurting because some think I shouldn’t be,
Crystal Alburger
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